I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Send us your Text From Last Night!
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Loading more great texts...