i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
