If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
