I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Send us your Text From Last Night!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We named our party play list daddy issues
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
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