I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Why are your pants in the freezer?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
