Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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