While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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