I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
