Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
