found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
