Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
In other news, I just burned my penis
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
