We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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