It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
