Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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