either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
