Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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