Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
