Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
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I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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