Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
