so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
