Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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