my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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