he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
