Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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