I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
