I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Every concussion has its silver lining
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
