Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
you inspire me to be a worse person
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
