girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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