Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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