You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
