i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize