So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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