Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
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I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
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I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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