You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
is this the sara with the beer cane?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
