All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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