Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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