Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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