So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
