I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
