Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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