I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
