your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
