I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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