Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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