Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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