Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
