I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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