What a fucking waste of an outfit
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
