Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
