My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
