oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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