Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
