so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
cat food counts as protein by the way
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
