I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
