Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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