you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
