We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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