He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
