dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
