I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
