I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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