Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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