after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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