How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
foreskin is a definite game changer
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
