I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
