he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
