Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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