how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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